Slanted perspective... forgotten

This is my reality. I apply the filter of my experience to everything, but still without making it mine. I dont need to make it mine to be happy, I just need to see it and enjoy it.
My personal preferences are a huge sieve in which situations, persons, bodies, minds, souls and objects go through. I analyze and classify. This I like, that I don´t, this touches me, that irritates me. Everything labeled in formol cristal bottle in its showcase, filling my head in a dark laboratory where the contents are removed inside the bottles, remembering me that not all is frozen over there, and sometimes something new wants to grow form old stuff and avoid my cryogenic look.
I hide my loves and sorrows to the world, and review what I wanted to be and I am not, as all of us do. Fought with myself for not acquiring my own objectives, so many times I am not able to remember when was the last time I believed, I thought I was complete.
And the funny of paradox is revealed again, that joke hiding in each step makes me smile again for being so naive. Without goals that could dissappoint me, I would be so complete so long ago...
I throw away my bottles, I see them braking and labels dissolved slowly. What was inside its alive again, asking for attention long time lost, busy searching for new things to classify and catalog.

The further I go from me, the more ME I am.

I only know I know nothing, and more myself I am the less I know.

Is the magic of the board, it is only useful when its empty, only at the begginning of the class. The board is not advancing events, it waits in silence and calm for its surface to reflex the world, and pour formulas, words, synonyms, poetry, eroticism, philosophies, jokes, diagrams, draws and beautiful faces some discreet in love, hiding from the look of others, spread one day awaiting the connivance of the beloved one...

the secret pleasure of an admiration not revealed, the absolute faith in a math problem solved, the disturbing truth of a past that stares at us and asks where do we go stealing the answers, the notes in their score, evoking and magic that someone dreamed could be understood by whom never caressed them with their imagination..

A board can contain all that... but only if it´s empty. I don´t have space for that, I think sometimes. My board is too much written. It has corrections, additions, line crossed words, lots of wordiness, and broken parts showing the wall behind, some day there was something there that was pulled, trying not to leave traces, but the hole reveals too much...

I will use my magic eraser, better two, I will use both hands to erase the whole board. I will empty myself from experiences, and that will be a whole experience. No sticks, no more trying to have something that remains forever there. It will be smaller, I won`t want it to be fixed to any wall, facing north or south, I will carry my board with be and it will not be in the basement of the castle, under seven old locks. And I will say goodbye to the castle that only was hiding the board. When I finish, I will clap with both erasers and the cloud of dust will vanish the castle, that was only an illusion, and will transform in that aloneliness together with nights in full moon, perfect, simple, everlasting and brief as life itself...

I will do all that, because there is no other way. It has to be done.

Three times the skin of my face had to be sewed,once with five years caused by curiosity, another one with nine due to my stupidity, and today due to my self-confidence. Each one taught me something, and today it was the most clever of the three ones, the clearest signal. Another scar, showing me to trust me even more, despite my own self-confidence. The confidence in which they taught me to advance blinded with my eyes wide open. I prefer to bandage my eyes and feel, smell, listen and taste the truth form now on. Eye sight fool us, allowing us to read, an the one writing scripts for life is able to fool us, and he will. But a hug never fools us, can´t stand itself if it fools us. the smell of fear is not fooling us, neither passion does. The sound of the soul of a flute is not fooling us, and the taste of chocolate or the kiss melting in your mind does not fool us as well.

It´s a good start to wake up, bit by bit, but instantly if necessary. Life is wise, so much it gives us the right signal, ALWAYS.

I will sharpen my senses to detect signs, from cataloguer of  my hold I will become watchman of my ship. and sunrises and sunsets in my alone and happy sea will start at last to be unique, instant, everlasting and brief.

"Nobody will tell you the flower to decipher

or the exact hour to try an illusion

you don´t have to suppose the cross one day you will carry on

better walk in darkness, with the risk of feeling it more.."

"Nobody will tell the light alive in your eyesight

or the straight path to the heart

you don´t have to suppose the law one day will be given to you

better love in blindness, with the risk of feeling it more.."

*Pedro Luis Ferrer, Rustico, Tema: Ay mi vidita

Will I walk alone the path? Alone and awaken.

Will I feel bad doing so? Only if I want to.

Will have remedy my bad of so many? Only if I accept it.

Will I live happily without missing myself? Only if I live, never if I wait.

Loves of mi life, I enjoy you again as new ones... you are never gone, only forgot you, I just did not remember you.

(Originally posted: 19-7-2006)

Nice thoughts. Some so naive. But I feel the path is still there, I still believe in erasing. Maybe now I am not so sure of walking alone as a destiny, I see it more as a walkway. And sometimes walking alone is not possible, LOVE is a link that is able to let us share and hold, walk together, support each other, feel together. It is not a fantasy. With real love, distance disappears. Time holds on. Minds and feelings get connected. Heartbeats combine their rhythms.

And there is no useless path. Only ignorant people. But everything can be twisted right. I believe that.

...and now, here I come

At last. I woke up, and it will be a nice begginning before end.
Even if end comes tomorrow, as we all know but we forget in our conscience.
This birth has been easier than expected, and harder I ever did before.
Thanks everybody for it, Specially bucay and Osho. But like them, even the ones hating or ignoring me, influencing ones or ignored by me. The ones assiting my rebirth and the ones telling me to come back to protective uterus (you know I talk about you,huh?)
Let´s start a trip, go on and advance.
I´m just as excited as calm, as happy as sad, just as heartless as compassive.
I will destroy my past and create a field without fertilizer, will seat and wait for something to grow hopeless, because hope might kill the seeds. And the empty field will be the offspring, and the world above and under will be the offspring, and life will be at last easy at itself without waiting to find you, or find me, living by itself. It will be just life, as always was, and will be.
What a happyness at last, to find each other hear, me with me and without me, burning ships that never should have existed, and stepping ahead with the precious bandage falling down bit by bit to face the WHOLE darkness...
What a joy in darkness, how quiet, what a a sensation of emptyness and perfection.
How much wisdom to come back to a being before being, how much wisdom not willing to be wise, just willing TO BE.
Thanks, Luis, for becoming... stay as you wish, you are in your world at last.
Paraphrasing Prince, the man before known as Luis started his journey.

(originally posted: 17-7-2006)

Hmm I feel some vanity in this words. I guess it happens everytime we share thoughts with the outside world. Sharing somehow is exposing, is waiting for answers. There is a sadness as well within them. After four years, I recognize the tracks of the big wall I had built and wanted to put down. Anyway it was not a bad beginning. But later on, it showed that wall was still somehow there. Guess it grows regardless the care we take. Too many years getting used to face others outside, for sure. Habits, always habits in the middle of everything.

By the way, I started this parallel Blog in english to practise. And also to share my thoughts with english talking people. It´s a good exercise for my mind and allows sharing with some of my friends not talking spanish at all. So, good for all, lets do it ASAP!! hehehehe.....

To be continued, for sure...